Parting is all we know of heaven... And all we need of hell

isawitfirst @ 2006-01-21T15:01:00

2006-01-21T20:01:31Z

I despise coin laundry.

WOW!

2005-11-06T23:22:23Z

I'M ENGAGED!!!!!!!!!!

Keep may 20th open on your date books kids

Sincerely,

The Future Mrs. Johnston

skuhgesrhgenggrthj

2005-10-02T01:58:08Z

This week has gone by fairly quickly. And surprisingly enough, I have practically NO school work. And Fall break is next week so I don't forsee a lof of work ahead. Although I could get ahead in biology tonight, and that'd be good. Also, I have to take my 3rd history test today at some point, and I could use some studying for that. I REALLy can't break the A streak I have going, so I think whenever Im done writing this Tabssss I'll go study.

I got my paycheck today, it was nice. I really need to start putting a LOT of money into savings, and try to stop spending on retarded things. I am a bad shopper....and I get buyers remorse CONSTANTLY. I want to have 2,000 in savings by christmas. A)So I can buy Xmas Gifts for everyone and B) cause thats a nice chunk of $$$

Things are swell between me and david. I <3 him. He says im beautiful... Its sweet of him. Also I came upon the realization that his nose is too big and mine is so small so that when we kiss, its perfect cause we don't even need to do the "awkward head turning" part of kissing and thats why I love him.

Also, I'm gonna need some thing to do for Halloween. Cause ECU isn't worth it on a monday night when I work Tuesday morning. Same goes for chapel hill. Plus I Want to dress up and do something FOR the kids. I don't know I will check around and see whats going on.

On another note, my parents left for Colombia Yesterday and I miss them. I also can't find the peice of paper that I wrote all their information on...thats not good. They get back in the country on halloween so I won't stop worrying til then.

isawitfirst @ 2005-08-05T08:41:00

2005-08-05T12:38:53Z

I want to be held every once in a while. I want , for once, to not feel like I am always waiting. Waiting for something, someone...everything. I want to feel like I am not always 2nd to something else, Something more important. I want to feel like you would give me the moon and some stars even, at the very least a night out. I want to feel like I'm not always holding back tears. I want to feel like the things that I see as problems, you understand why I feel that why. I don't want to feel like a child. I want to feel like the things I need are important. I want you to know everthing about me. I want you to care enough to ask. I want to talk to you. I want to talk to you seriously. I want you to accept me. I want to go to the park and enjoy it. I want to act like a little girl sometimes and not be reprimanded for it, christ, im an adult all week long. I want someone to take care of me on my bad days. I want support. I want to not be sick anymore, or at least know whats wrong with me. I want to be reliable. I want to feel like I can rely on someone. I want to like my job. I want everyone I work with to leave me the fuck alone. I want to be respected. I want to FEEL special. I want someone to go as much out of thier way as I have for them. I want my friends to stop changing. I want to change friends. I want to do what I want to do without feeling guilty about it. I want my mom to miss me. I want to wake up somewhere else. I want things to actually go my way for once. I want GOOD luck, and if I can't have that I don't want luck at all. I want to stop clenching my fists, I do it every morning before 10 o clock. I want to get breakfast made for me. I want to be surprised damn it, I WANT SOME ROMANCE! I want to be understood. I want to be appreciated. I want to be complimented. I want to stop feeling like I am just picked up when needed. I want to be kissed passionately. I want to do more than sleep. I want to have dreams. I want to stop feeling like I couldn't get any uglier. I want to stop being let down. I don't want insults or comments that weren't thought out before hand. I want to live a life that I might actually be proud of one day. I want for someone to be proud of me. I want to be proud of myself. I want to stop being compared to other people. I want to use my talents. I want to stop being looked down on. I want to stop caring about things that don't care in return. I want you to stop talking to me like I know what youre saying, just so you can sound smart. I want you to not speak to me like a child. Find the median. I want to have better things. I want to go to a different school. I want to fit in somewhere. I want to get out of this place. I want a new life. I want a life with you. I want my head to stop screaming. I want to be good at something. I want to forget about the past and stop thinking about my future. I want to sleep for a few days. I want to stop biting my nails. I want to be loved. I want it to be shown to me in a way that makes me believe it, and never doubt it. I want to be trusted. I want to trust you. I want to stop fearing everything. I don't want to hurt anymore. I want to be needed.

Why, what do you want?

sigh

2005-07-30T03:27:47Z

http://www.crownjewelers.com/images/1Ax2.jpg

Where are you my friend?

isawitfirst @ 2005-07-26T15:41:00

2005-07-26T20:31:28Z

LAST
-movie you rented: Man of the house...I regret it.
…movie you bought: Love story
…song you listened to: ummm my humps, outkast
…song that was stuck in your head: See above
…cd you bought: I dont buy Cds...i break laws
…cd you listened to: Damien Rice
…person you’ve called: David, just to say "hey read my tabs"
…tv show you’ve watched: The Laguna beach season premiere. I LOVE IT.
…person you were thinking of: my mom

DO…
…you think about suicide: No...too messy
…you believe in online dating: To be quite honest, I think its lame, I learned my lesson from online roommate-ing and I will NEVER do it again
…you want more piercings: No, I barely use the ones I have.
…you do drugs: No, not even antibiotics…you smoke: Yuck , I cant stand it.

FOR OR AGAINST…
…long distance relationships: Its hard but if you can make it work and be faithful, go for it.
…using someone: meh, it depends on what you get out of it...only kidding ;-)
…killing people: I wish.
…teenage smoking: Its dorky, youre not cool...you'll die of lung cancer, never have a date cause of your skank breath and you still wont be cool
…premarital sex: for me, No. I want to wait. Apparently thats not the norm these days, so if you are going to, don't be stupid about it. the world has enough fatherless children and herpes.
…driving drunk: Its a stupid choice and it can be avoided and should be avoided at all costs.
…gay/lesbian relationships: I dont think I would ever, but I know people who are and I have some opinions about it but, I love them all very much, I just want people to do what makes them happy.

HAVE YOU…
…ever cried over a guy/girl: Both...I've been hurt once or twice
…ever lied to someone: Yes, although, I dont like to lie about anything serious...usual, I lie only joking around or just to avoid hurting someones feelings.
…ever been arrested: Avoided it this far.

NUMBER…
…of times you have been in love?: ...I am in love right now, no other loves cross my mind. Although, I have loved MANY people.
…of times you have had your heart broken?: I wouldnt say broken, cause it has always been fixable...but it has been a little scratched and cracked here and there.
…of hearts you have broken?: I hope none, Im sorry.
…of drugs taken illegally?: Nyet
…of people you would classify as true friends: I can't count, but I love them
…of people you consider your enemies?: None. Guarenteed there are people who I am VERY indifferent about, but no enemies... It takes too much effort to have an enemy, its not worth it. It takes no effort to not care.
…of things in your past that you regret?: Every experience is a lesson learned and a characteristic formed.

FAVORITE…
…scent: for girls, be delicious and Paris hilton for boys, davids shower gel and also, fresh flowers after a fight.
…word: Umm I dont have a favorite word...who has a favorite word?
…eye color: Really blue or really green.
…flower: I dont know kinds, but I do know that I love different, bright, exotic colored flowers...from the right person.

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE…
…pretty: Yes
…funny: Oh god, I hope so, otherwise I've been wrong all these years.
…friendly: I always try to make people feel as comfortable as possible so they can be themselves.
…amusing: Yes
…loveable: Very
…pessimistic: more so realistic but whatever
…optimistic: ummm ^
…caring: Yeah, I usually like to think of others...
…sweet: Im thoughtful too ;-D
…dorky: um helllo, how else would me and dave get along so well?
…Spell your first name back wards: acissej

DESCRIBE YOUR…
…Wallet: Aside from empty, its nice. I stole it from my dad, its leather and made in colombia
…Toothbrush: ummm any...I change them every 3 months though
…Jewelery worn daily: Davids ring...maybe earings some days.
…Pillow cover: My green ones that go well with my bed...speaking of which...I need to do laundry soon.
…Blanket: The green/gold set that mom got me and I never paid her for.
…Coffee cup: I dont have one, cause I don't drink coffee or tea...but I wish I did, cause it looks so cool.
…Sunglasses: Um does it matter, I lose every single pair...always.
…Shoes: My black flip flops are the ones I wear most often, but I really like those tan onces
…Handbag: umm I dont have a fav, I switch them out about every 2-3 weeks.
…Favorite shirt: I like that red american Eagle jacket mom stole... Everything I like she steals
…CD in stereo right now: Umm my mix I made to drive whitney home last weekend
…Hair: Usually throw up really quickly qith no technique whatsoever, but dave loves it.
…Make-up: Some lip gloss, I curl my eyelashes...thats about it

WHO or WHAT (was/is/are) …
…In my mouth: the taste of salt
…In my head: "I cant wait to get out of here and go to the GYM!!! I am so resltess!"
…Wishing: I could get the same amount on my paycheck every 2 weeks, without have to come in every day.
…Talking to: mmm no one, Im about to email mom in a minute.
…Person you wish you were with: Ummm Logan, in time square right now!
…Something you’re looking forward to in this up coming month: It was the beach so now I guess its not...instead, turning 20 and celebrating my 2 year anniversary.
…Something you’re not looking forward to in this up coming month: Working on my two year anniversary, while dave takes his MCAT as welll...and also,my wisdom teeth being stolen from me.
…Something that you are deadly afraid of: Ummm everything and anything, you name it.
…Do you like the taste of blood: No, but I mean, what else are you gonna do...you got a paper cut and you dont have tissues...!
…Do you believe in love: I most certainly do.
…Do you believe in soul mates: I do.
…Do you believe in love at first sight: No, I think Love is something you have to work at, something that doesnt come immediately. I think you can be attracted or even infatuated or intrigued but not love. In other words you can see someone and think "GASP, I felt my heart skip a beat, I think I could love him " and then later on youre together .<- thats possible.
…Do you believe in God: Yes I do
…What do you want done with your body when you die: Just gimme some chocolate, some strawberries, and a Hotshot bot 4500... :-D I mean...I want to have an open casket ceremony and then be cremated and have my ashes sprinked over the ocean...
…Who is your worst enemy?: I dont rank enemies...if I had them I mean.
…If you could have any animal for a pet: A monkey...a little chimp
…What’s something you wish you could understand better?: all of math, and some science.....as well as men :-D

Love

isawitfirst @ 2005-07-14T10:20:00

2005-07-14T14:18:45Z

*TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey*
Name:	Jessica Lynn Ciencin
Birthday:	August 27th
Birthplace:	seacaucus New Jersey
Current Location:	Raleigh, N.C.
Eye Color:	Blue...at times green
Hair Color:	Originally Dark brown but now its light...er
Height:	5'7
Right Handed or Left Handed:	Left handed...the way it should be
Your Heritage:	a little colombian, a little irish, a little italian, and some whiteness
The Shoes You Wore Today:	black flip flops...I hate shoes.
Your Weakness:	Chocolate...dear God, there is no hope for me
Your Fears:	Afraid of heights, flying, dark water, any/all animal/bugs, loved
Your Perfect Pizza:	mmm cheesy goodness. lots of it. I don't need much.
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	I would like to get straight A's, have 2,000 in the bank and get into a School of Education at a University(preferably somewhere not in NC)
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	lol omfg....Or ...no, thats it.
Thoughts First Waking Up:	Whyyyy???? Just 10 more minutes, and by 10 I mean 30.
Your Best Physical Feature:	Ummm well I am going to go ahead and say Eyes...or hair? I have no boobs, but i kinda have a good body?
Your Bedtime:	Usually early around 11-12. Unless daves working late, then I wait up for him.
Your Most Missed Memory:	Time with my brother, or my friends and my parents.
Pepsi or Coke:	Neither...water, and on my bad days, propel
MacDonalds or Burger King:	Neither, subway (But Oh God do I miss Big Macs)
Single or Group Dates:	theyre all fun, I love people.
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	Yuck, I dont like tea. Although, I always thought it was cool to drink hot tea out of a little teacup...I wish I liked it.
Chocolate or Vanilla:	Chocolate (already been established...!)
Cappuccino or Coffee:	Neither, Yuck. Although I wouldnt say no to a mocha frapp.mmmmm
Do you Smoke:	No, yuck
Do you Swear:	I don't like to. But I am up to 6$ (dave owes me 50cents every time he does)....:-P
Do you Sing:	Yes
Do you Shower Daily:	Yes, usually at night. Although, I wish I had the strength to get up early in the morning and do it.
Have you Been in Love:	Yes, currently....
Do you want to go to College:	I am in college fool.
Do you want to get Married:	Yes, I do. <---AHAHAHAHAHaH mmm
Do you belive in yourself:	I do, but I get weak at times, of course
Do you get Motion Sickness:	No, I get flying nervousness, only cause I know thats how I am going to die.
Do you think you are Attractive:	I think I am...I hope I am anyway
Are you a Health Freak:	No, although I am like that about some things. My parents are rubbing off on me.
Do you get along with your Parents:	Yes, I love them a lot. There great.
Do you like Thunderstorms:	Yes, when I am inside, reading...
Do you play an Instrument:	The piano is getting pretty rusty but I will Learn how to play the guitar, if it kills me.
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	No. Wait, lying. I drank in Panama last week.
In the past month have you Smoked:	No, NEVER?
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	Yes, this is my first week off of Cocaine... :-) W00t
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	Yes, I most certainly have
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	ummm yep, in Panama. I <3 Oca Loca
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	No, maybe 3 or 4, but the box in my kitchen has been there for at least a month.
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	No, I need to though, I like it. mmm Time for some Kanki!
In the past month have you been on Stage:	...no.
In the past month have you been Dumped:	No
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	showering is as close as I get.
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	yes im sure I have.
Ever been Drunk:	Yes, a time or 2
Ever been called a Tease:	oh have I...(said teasingly)
Ever been Beaten up:	No, do I LOOK like lil kim to you?
Ever Shoplifted:	Now, define shop lifting?
How do you want to Die:	umm I dont. But assuming I will, in my sleep, calmly just stop breathing in bed with my husband holding me....eh one can dream. I'll probably be murdered in an alley, with spoons no less.
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	I want to be a lot of things. I want to be a writer, I want to be a teacher, a nurse, I want to be a lot.
What country would you most like to Visit:	All of them. I only have 4 on my list, so once I get to 10 I think I might be a little more satisfied
*In a Boy/Girl..*
Favourite Eye Color:	Blue...but brown has become more appealing.
Favourite Hair Color:	Dark. I am not a big fan of blondes
Short or Long Hair:	I like it shorter :-)
Height:	taller than me by at LEAST 3 inches.
Weight:	fit. Someone who takes care of themself
Best Clothing Style:	I think preppy is a good look. But I don't stay liimited to styles...I like a little of everything
Number of Drugs I have taken:	Um 2 perscribed when I was sick...thats it.
Number of CDs I own:	about 60. But theyre all Burned and I need an iPod BADLY
Number of Piercings:	3 in each ear
Number of Tattoos:	none...too painful...too permanant.
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	I don't regret. Every mistake should be a learning experience.
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

....

2005-06-23T18:56:35Z

do not want to forget, ever, what it feels like to be me now

..that is why I write it down, to remind myself how it was, how it is now, everything so intense, nothing absurd or childlike, it hurts, but then again how wonderful the world is now.

this is me

2005-06-11T15:25:24Z

I lay back and look and stare at the emptiness that is my life . I wish I would have tried harder, worked a little more, given up a little later...but I didn't. In the back of my mind I know I should have loved more honestly, loved more faithfully and held on longer...But I didn't. I yelled too loudly and left too quickly. I hurt everyone too deeply and I took too long to heal. I never thought enough but then I thought too much. I've lied, I've stolen. I hurt them on purpose because I hated. I've been in control and then I gave it all away. I lost my head , I threw away hearts, I was careless with mine and I watched myself bleed. I was never enough and demand was too much. I pleaded, I begged, I was ignored and I ignored you. I was attached, I was alone and I've been to heaven and back. I walked around barefoot, I sank and I stepped on nails. You held me, and I can still smell you. I see him and he's all I have. I have a lot. I worried so much about an inevitable death, that hasn't come. I fear it. I feel it. It controls me. I screamed and I fought and I hated and cursed. . .I regret and cry for the very last words. I hold out my hand for someone to hold on. I need you? You need me. Don't you? Won't you say it. I have to feel it to know its real. I sometimes forget. Bring me back to that place. Remind me. I felt right. I knew my place. I was queen but inside I did it all wrong. I have secrets, I have dissapoints. I am ashamed. I am hostile, and I run you out. I punch and I kick and I want you as far away as you can be, while holding my hand. I need to know I'm beautiful. Blending in is death. Standing out kills me. I hate spotlights, they make my heart race. I am scared of death and more afraid of life. Living this life is harder than it looked from my bay window at age 5. I've grown, I've lost. I have taken for granted and been taken . I lost control and gained experience. I don't know who I am, I am in hiding for now. Do I want the things I Have? Who do I love. I love them all. I hurt them too. I wish I could see right through my games. You know better, I know all. Judge me, Justify me, crucify me and let me live. Tell me what makes you happy and I won't make it happen. I smile, I laugh. I can't be found, I don't want to be. I need to talk, I need to scream. There is only silence. When will I be found? I can't take life.

le sigh

2005-06-08T19:56:28Z

I am over 5,000 $$ in debt from STUPID medical bills

I was not approved for financial aid

I have to get a student loan that will accumulate taxes while I am in school

I lost david's promise ring

I am sunburned

I have no $ and a quarter tank of gas til' friday

I am not going to get to see my brother before he goes back to NJ

I haven't eatin all day

I have done no homework

My boyfriend went home for a couple of days

and life is only gonna get a lot worse before it gets better....

More hearts bein broken, more people bein used.

2005-06-03T16:59:05Z

so, I just saw a 24 year old 300 lbs, 6'2 foot, body builder crying...

I hate death. I hate pain. Its scary and it just doesn't seem fair, ever.

my first paper of the semester....:-/

2005-05-23T15:47:29Z

As she lay on those crisp, white, hospital bed sheets in a bare room with the walls screaming of past defeat, you wouldn’t think she was fighting as hard as she was. You wouldn’t think that she were capable of fighting at all. I stared at her through the window. I refused to go into the room because I knew that if I did she could feel my grief and on top of it all, she didn’t deserve that.
I wanted so much to take the pain from her, if I could have, lord knows I would have done it in a heartbeat. But my reality, the one that kept me awake at night and refused to let me continue life as I knew it, was the acceptance that the only pain I faced wouldn’t be the pain taken from her. The only pain I faced would be the pain I inflicted on myself, every night, in the silence of my room. I learned that the pain of a razor is only bearable because you know it will end when you want it to.
I had acknowledged that the one person I once thought could give us hope again, had left. He had gone too far away and too long ago to catch up now. Plus, for all I knew he could have been just another lie, I was taught every Sunday.
Since I found out about her condition, I wouldn’t allow myself to cry. What good had it done me in the past? “Crying is for people who have no hope”, is what she would yell at me. Even though that was the state I was in, hopeless, I didn’t want her to be aware of it. So I pretended. I pretended to believe that one day soon she would get out of that bed, I pretended to believe that she would come to my wedding with a full head of hair, down to her waist, and I pretended that I was okay. Everyone came to me when they felt weak. When uncle Dan saw her in the hospital bed for the first time with tubes attached and breathing forced, he lost his hope then and there. He pulled me aside and cried. He cried like 47 year old men should never cry, but he did. I had become so numb to feeling anything, so I just said the words that I had been saying to everyone else, words I didn’t even believe myself. I said “Everything is going to be ok, she is a strong woman, everything happens for a reason”. It sounded nice and it made him stop crying so I guess I did a good job. My life had become like clockwork. I was just going through the motions but I wouldn’t consider It living. I ate food, but I didn’t taste it as it went down. It was all a dry, grainy, tasteless mixture of poison to me. The only reason it was bearable every day was because I chased every meal with a beer. . .quite a few beers actually. It kept the crying to a minimal at night. Night is the only time I would cry. In my room I would sit up in bed and stare at a pitch black room. After a certain point you can’t tell whether your eyes are open or closed. I would sit and I would cry. It didn’t even sound like crying to me, it sounded like pleading, begging to someone I knew didn’t exist but figured, what the hell?
I was a while before I realized that this was really going to kill her. I was in denial for as long as I could be, but after a certain point, I can’t lie to myself. Every day she got worse, she hurt more, she spoke less but she seemed to fight harder. Everyone around would cheer her on, give her the encouragement that I couldn’t, but I think we both must have known that this was a losing battle. She saw a reason to fight, the wages were high, it this case it actually meant life or death. She once told me that if it is supposed to happen who are we to stop fate? “Who are we to interfere with a bigger plan”, she asked. I could have told her that in the hospital bed that day, I could have called her a hypocrite, a liar. I could have hated her for breaking her promises, I could have wanted her to die just so I didn’t have to be reminded that she was dying slowly every day. I could have hated her for being so selfish and not thinking of me. She knew something was wrong but she waited, and waited and now it was too late. I could have despised her for these things…but instead, I hated myself. I despised myself. I wanted me to die, not her. I wanted to be in that bed because I was sick of hurting, I wanted my pain to end. This is what was racing through my mind in that empty hallway at four o’ clock in the morning.
As I walked down to the cafeteria to get some coffee, I saw a little girl sitting on her moms lap, gazing up as they smiled at each other. Their smiles seemed to be endless. I wondered what caused them. Then I realized, I missed seeing her smile. I hadn’t seen it in so long that I had forgotten what it looked like. I had a picture that I kept in my wallet. It was just the two of us. We had planned a trip to the beach one day. The weather was perfect, more than perfect, it was indescribable. The second we got to the beach we laid our stuff down and we walked with anticipation toward the water. Within seconds there was a downpour of water. Who knows where it came from and why it had to ruin our perfect day, but there it was, all around us with no intention of leaving anytime soon. She wouldn’t let that ruin our perfect day though, she insisted we just imagine that it were still bright and sunny. She claimed that those rain drops weren’t raindrops at all but in fact sun drops were falling on us. I must have been very wary because she insisted and insisted. Once she saw I wasn’t going to play along she put on her sun hat and twirled around in circles yelling and singing at the top of her lungs. I remember thinking she had the most beautiful smile I had ever seen. I only hoped that one day my toothless grin would be something so amazing. I took a picture of her then and I have kept it in my wallet ever since that day. Maybe that is what was happening during her battle. She saw that I wasn’t going to believe her so she was believing for both of us.
Around 7 o clock I had talked myself into actually entering her room. It was either that or pace around the hospital one more time. No one else was there and honestly, could people in a coma “feel grief” from another person? Doubtful, very doubtful. I opened the door and I remember thinking that every sound was magnified. I could hear the ticking of the clock as if a microphone were being held to it. My footsteps toward her bed sounded much like thunder. I stared at my hands while making my way to her side. Looking at my hands forced me to notice that time was taking it’s toll on me as well. Sometimes that is the one thing I wish there was more of. As I made my way to her bed side I was inwardly coaching myself, trying to force myself to look at her. It seemed like years had passed since I last saw her face, but it was only last week. I guess death takes its toll on a body quicker than life ever could. As I stood by her bedside for what seemed like forever, I knew that this was it. I felt it. Some people say that you can feel death and I knew that is what I felt. There is no way to come close to describing it. I just knew in my heart that this would be the last time I would see her, alive. I looked up slowly, as slowly as I could, as though waiting, even hoping for an interruption. None came. My eyes made their way to her face. Once I saw what I had been dreading to see all I could do was stare. I wanted to study it. I remember thinking that this is it, the last time. I felt that I needed to take it all in because after this, there would be no more memories made. It took every bit of strength in me to reach out my hand to take hold of hers. I did it, and I held on as tightly as I knew how. I somehow got in my head that if I let go, I am letting go forever. Truth be told, I wasn't ready to do that. Is anyone ever ready? I stood there, next to a woman I had admired for so long. The only woman I had ever really loved in this life. This body seemed so empty laying on this bed but I remeber at one time it was so full of life.

it makes me wanna cry....

2005-05-18T03:19:19Z

Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything, it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong
Now I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
'Cause I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hangin' on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No, I don't cry on the outside
Anymore...

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

SOOOoooOOO

2005-05-16T16:05:31Z

I <3 Livejournal. . .Xanga kids bitch way too much. LAME

Been thinking....

2005-05-05T16:41:19Z

And I have realized that I have changed A LOT. Undecided it its better or worse but its definetly different. I feel like I have become plain. I don't want to use the word Boring, but I just might. Maybe its because I have too many responsibilities to be interesting?? ha. I don't know. I think i'm in need of change. Of some sort. I just don't know what. I don't stand out like I thought I used to... not for being pretty, or smart... but just for being different. And I always hated thinking that I was the same as everyone else. I mean, that whole high school popularity was just bull shit. No one cares about that, I didnt even care about it when I was in Highschool, cheerleading and being social. I don't know, maybe its just a weird mood I'm in but I need something different. maybe I'll just chop off my hair and dye it pink? ? ?

Thats all.

And this...

2005-02-05T15:38:19Z

Is what I have decided.
For the next big event in my life... Such as my 2 year anniversary, or my 20th birthday (both oddly close to eachother) I REALLLLLLLY REALLLLY want to go the beach. A hotel for a night or 2 and just to bespoiled, for the weekend, that is all I ask. It would be so much fun and not to mention relazing and romantic (if with david... if anyone else, it would just be fun lol).
I don't know. Granted, it IS an expensive gift, but it'd so be worth it. Also, I was talking to Danielle today and this is what we came up with. We are both USUALLY not into the whole mushy stuff (at least we like to say we're not) but in the case of proposals and romantical-like stuff such as this... If WE Were our boyfriends, this is our plan, picture this: Little Suzie and tim have been dating for 4652485029 years now and for valentines day ( or some shmoozy day) Tim says "Pack your bags hunnie, we're going on vacation!" so bags are packed and they are OFFFFFF. Days are spent on the beach, wine flowing, Scrumptious food for every meal, things could not be going better, or COULD THEY (hmmm)
While laying on the beach one afternoon, tim says "Suzie, I am going to go inside and take a shower (or some other lame excuse to get away), stay here, I'll be back in a little bit. So suzie obeys and collects her share of sun cancer while time is inside shmadoozling around. Finally Suzie thinking... "hmm an hour? who showers that long?"...so she collects her things and goes back to the room. Oddly, the door is propped open a crack so she walks in and where is tim??? HAVING SEX WITH THE MAID...! No, not really, but wouldn't that be a twist? Hm, but anyway, she walks in, la di da... and on the bed there is a note, on top of a box or two, that says something similar to " I had to go out for a little bit, put on the contents in the box and meet me downstairs @ 6:00 (don't be late)"it would say that, except worded a little better and not so gay. she open's the box and there is a gorgeous dress, shoes, necklace, the whole shabang....Why not even throw in some lingerie? So Suzie thinks, OH MY! It's already 3, I have to shower and shave and ...cut my toenails... So she is off to get ready, and meanwhile Tim is being a deviant little scoundral. That tim....
6:00 clock comes faster than you'd think and before you know it Suzie is waiting downstairs...a minute goes by and she thinks, maybe he meant outside, so the second she walks outside, the little driver man who works for the hotel says ..." Suzie michconvaniski?" - "Yes"...."I have strict orders to bring you with me..."
Suzie despite all of her mothers words of not getting into cars with strangers, ignores it and throws her cares to the wind... Within minutes they are seated in front of either A) A really cute, quaint little restarant
B) A secluded yet Romantic Area set up with full picnic dinner and candles... (I vote B)
Waiting there is that little sneaky wrench tim... and he is waiting with a bouqet of flowers. The Good kind
He takes her hand and the dinner prolongs into the night, there is dancing (with the help of a portable Cd player or something rather convenient, like a pocket violinist). The two decide to call it a night, they drive back to the hotel and unbeknownst to Suzie, Tim had a little help from the friendly staff @ motel 6....while they were out to dinner they were getting busy in Suzie and tim's room. And if that doesn't sound bad, I don't know what does. So as they make their way up to the room, in a romantic embrace, Suzie believes this to be one of the best nights of her life and hates to see it end...
As they walk into the room, suzie going in first, with tim's hand on the small of her back...she is in complete shock and wonder as she sees A trail of rose petals and candles along various parts of the room...Tim takes the opprotunity of silence to start his well planned speech something like this... "Suzie, I brought you here tonight...well not only because it is out hotel room and it is where we sleep.... Hold on, lemme start over...
I did all this because Iwanted to tell you, I wanted to SHOW you, that since I met you in the flea market that day 5492723 years ago... I knew that you would be the woman I would spend my life with. Since then you have become my best friend, my lover, my helper and everything I could have ever asked for in the perfect woman, there is no one else in this world (make that statement at some point men) that I would want to spend the rest of my life trying to make happy, but you. So tonight (on the word tonight, bend one knee...GET ON THE KNEE DAMN IT!) I want to ask you (Pull Out ring from coat pocket)... (make sure this ring wasn't in the pocket while you were dancing, that could ruin things)
If you would be my wife.... Will you marry me (those words have to be in there, Iam sorry, but you can't just assume it is an unspoken!).... Suzie taken Back by everything that has just happend, finds herself crying, not knowing why, or when she started. She can't seem to form any words in her mouth, any words other the word Yes....Yesss.... Yes I will!!! Then Tim comes up of of the knee, a warm embrace, kissing, phonecalls, celebration, la di da... and the next morning they go home...

OH MY GOD!!! THE BEST PROPOSAL EVER!!!!! I want the person I marry to have all of that incorporated somehow...lol. I mean Yeah, if you love them it won't matter if you're like Mid volley ball game, spike over the night...YEAH BITCH!!!!!WHOOOO will you marry me?
Ok, cool.... Yeah, though that is terrible I am sure I would say yes...but I want to have a good story tell the grand kids and everyone else I ever speak to. . .

Sam and I already talked about the honey moon and our love for Pillows, candles, draping scarves, music, champagne.... Oh yes, Marriage,what a wonderful thing.

Ok, I guess that is all I have for now, Hope you guys loved my story.... *(The actual names of Tim and Suzie have been changed for their own safety and protection)*

<3 Jess

shmorgisborg?

2005-02-04T15:38:01Z

Your Passion is Purple!

You've got a ton of passion, but you don't always wear it on your sleeve.
If something truly excites you, you let your inner intensity shine through.
But otherwise, your passion tends to morph into energy ... which you never lack.
You're a balanced woman, knowing when to turn on the fire in your heart.

What Color is Your Passion? Take This Quiz :-)

Find the Love of Your Life
(and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

love love love love

2005-02-02T17:49:58Z

So here I am at work. I am gad I was scheduled for the morning shift, just cause I need the hours... and acoording to the weather channel, it is supposed to start snowing Before 3 o clock.... Which is when I would have come in....so yay for me. Boo that david's HORRIBLE job makes him come in when it snows. I hate it. I had to do the same thing when I worked at the movie theater but I didn't have 4wd, oh no, I had a mom van for a while there. I think it is just too dangerous to chance skidding on 3 inches of ice and dying, so some gay 12 year olds can watch a movie.
Sigh, life. what can you do. So I am still adjusting to the fact that working here means you get no training and learn as you go...that doesn't mean people cut you slack while you learn... Sigh I hate. Also, I hate to work on dave's birthday! did I already mention this? Well it sucks. Not like I know what I am doing just yet anyway, the point is, that it's his 21st and I have to work. Thats what happens when you have a job and responsibilities... In my perfect little world I would live by myself and not have to work. Wouldnt that be nice?
I am very proud of myself lately with this whole self control thing, I think I am doing really well, so good for me. P.s. This long tabulas thing lately...sorry, eventually it will end.
I have come to the conclusion that I have been saying probably the weirdest tuff EVER lately. The things that come out of my mouth sometimes...it'll make you wonder.
So to keep myself occupied at work, I have been getting my Women in History paper done... 10 paragraphs...thats like what....4 pages? Not bad, almost done. finish it by sunday...seeing as how it is going to snow, I should have enough time.
Also, I need to go into the hospital sometime soon and start volunteering again. I am thinking that I can work something out like wednesday and friday afternoons...
I don't do anything then and I really wanna get back into volunteering, I feel so useless.
Ok, well enough of that. I think I am either going to hang out at my house all night, or at daves house, whenever I get outta work, cause I definetly don't wanna be on the roads if it is going to be snowing... I am bad with snow. Although the only vehicle mishaps I have been in have been on bright sunny days....hmm

Ok, love to all my readers....

ps. Whit, are you ocming to live with me or WHAT? Jennifer Lemkes is up here too, we could shindig.

I need to get out more

2005-01-13T20:22:08Z

create your own visited states map
or check out these Google Hacks.

boop oop oop y doo

2005-01-07T22:39:57Z

Bettie Boop

Who 's Your Inner Sexy Cartoon Chick ?
brought to you by Quizilla

happy new year!

2005-01-03T04:11:32Z

In the year 2005 I resolve to:

Hook up with the ugly geek next door.

Get your resolution here

oooo

2004-12-23T18:03:13Z

You Are Fun Sexy

You're funny, quirky, cute, and sassy.
Guys always have a great time with you, and that alone is sexy.
You've got an upbeat, optimistic spirit that totally shines through.
Any guy would be crazy to turn you down!

What Kind of Sexy Are You? Take This Quiz :-)

Find the Love of Your Life
(and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

and another thing

2004-12-17T16:47:55Z

How do I put pictures on my LJ? I don't know?

isawitfirst @ 2004-12-17T11:31:00

2004-12-17T16:47:16Z

I have decided that I need to get a job....Because just the thought of sitting on my ass with NOTHING to do for hours at a time...makes me want to cry. so I have an interview tomorrow at crossroads ford, as a receptionist...the easiest job in the world. Fingers crossed, we'll see what happens. Anyway, I wanted to clean my apartment today but it looks like that is going to have to wait...because Instead of cleaning I was just like...mmmm hot bath, pedicure,and a movie. A book would be more fitting for my mood, but I don't have any good books (<---hint christmas Present). Anyway, Things have been alright lately, could have done a little better this semester but whatev. There is always next semester right? Right. I feel like I have to do REALLY well though at this school because this is the transcript every other college is goin to look at next year. le sigh. Oh well. So I was thinking tonight that it has been QUITE a while since I have wanted to do something but had no one to hang with. Dull. I need to make some new friends... One of the many new years resolutions. this christmas looks promising... I will be spending it with david and his family. Which should be neat because I have never had a "boyfriend" on christmas. This is my first. The day AFTER christmas, me, dave and jan are going to the biltmore house!!!! I can't WAIT! SeriouslyI have never been and I am incredibly excited. Hopefully we can have a little stop in the Ashville mall. That would be nice. I miss my dad. But I miss my mom more, shes 32847612038.43 miles away Sigh she'll be home in like 3 weeks though so no big deal.
Nobody understands how happy I am that this semester is over. Let me just say that I pray to God that I NEVER get another teacher like "Sr. Hernandez"... I hate, with passion. I don't even know what my grade is in there yet but Ihave already submitted a grade appeal case, because he is by far, the most horrible teacher yet. I am beginning to notice that my cell phone bill is not getting any cheaper... So I might have to do something about that sometime soon. Seriously..it's like 70 something dollars and last month it was almost 100...that is freaking ridiculous for a phone. I got everybody's christmas presents...that I could afford anyway. I hate being poor around the holidays...I should have gotten a job. Oh well, too late now. Sorry friends and family of mine who did not recieve gifts
ok, things I have to get done tomorrow or else I will never do them.....
~*Clean out my car (including Vacuuming)
~*Clean my apartment (if I don't get to my room, that is ok, just get to it one day)
~*go get my laundry at davids house (ryan sucks ass) Hopefully but doubtfully it will be dry if not, dry it and then make sure it all gets put away.
~*go through all of the clothes in my closet and take out everything I don't wear and drive it over to goodwill.
~*Try to sell my books back...somewhere
~*Get that job...
~*See if I just so happen to stumble upon anything I like or might need for christmas/ny
Also, kick myself and rememer that I have to save up some money for NY
because the City is not fun if you are poor.

and now, I go back to spending time with myself....Goodnight all.

<3 Jess

stop crying!

2004-12-09T21:17:42Z

And sick :-( I have been sick for over a week now and I hate it :-(
Drugs aren't doing a whole lot for mebut oh well.
I have a final today, my spanish final. In 2 hours to be exact. And my mind couldn't be any further from spanish. I've realized lately that No ONE will ever be like me. EVER. I understand that. I guess I am ok with that. The sad thing is, I thought that the person I fell in love with was like me. :-( I hate life and by life I mean the bad things that happen and then the people around you say "well, that's life". WHY is that life? Why does it have to be like this? Can't ANYTHING be easy? Can't anything just be flat out, EASY. I want to be happy.
Many of my friends and family who know me the most know that even though I have set my standards so high up for the person I want to be with. The only things that are REALLY important to me. That a DIRE for a relationship with me to work are the following :
1) I want someone who Loves and has a relationship with God.
2) I want someone who is out of their mind, head over heels, crazy in love with me and would do ANYTHING to prove it, would sacrifice ANYTHING for my happiness, I want someone who loves me like I love them.
and 3rd and final... I NEED, Have To Have, the person who loves me, be completely honest with me. I need it. It is NOT a big request. Am I intimidating? I am a scary person? I want everyone to know that I am not. I am the kind of person that you can say what you REALLY feel to, be completely Honest with, and I will still love you the same afterward. I am SO understanding about so much. I don't know why people can't be real with me. That's all I ask for.

Another thing is, just for anyone who doesn't know... I am A very strong person (not muscle like-although I am sure I can kick your ass). I am very independent. I am ver outspoken. I know who I am and there is no one who can change that. I do not NEED someone to hold my hand throughout life. I do not need to be loved to feel like I am worth something. I know that I am strong, I know that I am beautiful, I am smart, I am witty, I am charming, I am funny, I am caring, I have faith, I am honest, I am a great friend and I am an amazing person. These are things I know! I am not blowing my own horn here, I am saying that I am WORTH something. I will not settle for someone who can't be honest with me. I will not settle for someone who is not real. I know what I deserve and I won't give in.

right now I am being faced with such a hard decision. This is the first time in my life that my heart and my head have been trying to run in different directions. I know that I love. I know that I have had the best times in my life with him. I know that I want to walk down the aisle with this man. I know that I want to support his goals and his dreams while I pursue my own. I thought for sure, this was it. I have finally found the person who I have been waiting for, who I have been saving all of my secrets for. I found him. . . Right?
I wish after each heart break it would just get easier. ya know?
I am just running into wall after wall after wall trying to make a decision that I might regret. . . I know what it feels like to say something and then almost immediately feel that kick in the pit of your stomache that says "NOOOO, you made the wrong choice". And there is such a small chance that you can ever take words back.
someone I know and love always told me that each time you fight with a person, each time you walk out that door, a peice or respect and a piece of love is lost from that relationship. It is so true.
I feel like if I go one way, I am an idiot who doesn't know any better, who thinks so optimistically and unrealistically...Someone who has the smallest shred of hope that there is still something left to fight for.
and If I go another way, I leave and I cry, and I wonder if what I just did is going to haunt me for the rest of my life, I sit there and replay it in my head because what IF I was wrong? Once I realize there is nothing left that I can do, I move on, I "get over it", and then years later when I am at the beach with my husband and children I will look up at the sky, see a shooting star and realize that someone else will always have my heart. . . .
I wish there was someone who could tell me what to do. I wish they could make a decision for me, that way I won't feel so weighed down with all these things to consider.

I am so unsure about so much right now but I KNOW that every tear and every smile and every single touch and laugh that I shared with him was real for me. I have never felt anything so real in my life.
I just have to decide if that is worth starting over for....

<3

Pray for me.